For now, I have finished two series of dramas.

So far, so good. I am still kind of free, although having traveled to places so frequently I've never imagined before.

It was 10th May. A day when I first left my home to study.

I have never really left my home before, it was the first. Experience? It didn't make much difference but I feel like I'm more prepared. (since the conditions there were worse than here)

Not much to talk about it then.

So, on this day, I went to main campus and did a personality test. Yes, what do I really like?

I don't really know. You step into form 6 or matriks, science stream students are given choices, Physics/Bio, Hayat/Fizikal. And of course, all these while, after eliminating the other options, I thought I would like engineering.

It's not that I hate engineering. I like it when it works but I don't like to make things that couldn't work work. That was supposed to be something engineers do.

See, just now when I was asked to write down my ambition, I didn't know what to write. It's a shame to tell people you still haven't figured out. Does it really matter to figure out as we don't have a grasp of what is going to happen then?

Ambition, ambition. Although I wrote three, all three didn't feel right.

Having dreamed of being so fucking rich, buying this and that, but somehow a life of a slower pace could be what I like.

Now I don't study real hard but I do take my studies seriously. (there is a difference, I mind you) Studying real hard means I try to study as much as I can, to be as perfect as possible, sometimes to achieve something. Taking my studies seriously, what I've been doing and will still do, is passing and try not to disappoint my family, my friends, my kampong-kampongs, lecturers and so on, simply because studying is important.

Studying might not be related to your ambition.

I know I have to study. I don't know my ambition.

These are matters of how I view myself and stuffs related to myself.

Am I happy? Yes. I like living as I am now. Not too much of conforming, not too much of pressure and of course I have fun.

I like life at my pace, a slow one. But people working for a paycheck from another party most probably wouldn't have the chance to live in such a way. There is pressure. There might be pressure now too, but since I'm good enough, I'm cool.

Do we have to find out more about ourselves through other people or another party instead of finding them ourselves? I don't know too.

People say you can still go after your dream even though you did not study the field. Yeah, why not. But, what is the dream, what is my dream?

It's not that I have no clue at all, like at least there was an outcome from the personality test, but I have never imagined stuffs mentioned there to happen in me. Am I really good at problem solving? Nope. Am I really creative? Nope. Am I sociable? Nope. Organised? Nope. But do we have to be good in something to have passion in it? And do we actually like something only after we can complete it perfectly and thus gaining success or fame? What we like to do is what we good at but it can be true that what we want to do is something we are not really good at. Do we have to like what we are good in?

Oww. Too much questions running in my mind. Better get some sleep before I turn into a baabaa black sheep.