Sometimes I wonder, what do people see the minute right before they commit suicide. Like do they see a light guiding them to jump off a building, or is there a force that takes their hands off the steering wheel so they can drive right into another vehicle. Was it ever a conscious decision?

The reason I think about these is just because late at night when I am exhausted I feel like there’s nothing worth fighting for, I used to know what to work for but I get lost a lot. As good as that ideal path may sound, I do realize that I am unlikely to be on that path. What’s ideal anyway? One moment I think I’ve made the best decision of my life, only to find that it actually wasn’t. Well I’m not going to shut the door right away, the IDEAL that I currently believe in is still possible. It’s just really difficult to get there.

Chicago, my kind of city

Malaysia’s not even the worst place to live, but there are just things that make me wanna leave very badly, on a near daily basis. Perhaps it’s because I am still in the same region where I grew up, where people are happily living in the same vicinity. Perhaps it’s because I don’t get to speak English often, yes the language I despised years ago, it’s sorta like my native now. Perhaps I got way too comfortable with living abroad, not having to work or study really hard. I gladly say I now miss bacon and good pizzas and those combo meals available at almost every shop claiming they’re authentic Asian cuisine.

This does come to my mind though, studying life was meant to be easy. Those were the times where you can just get up and go, playing music and winding your window down, and talk about not giving a fuck when due dates are calling. Now I cannot bring myself to please people, I am actually so tired of pleasing people. Every day I do things to sorta prove my worth now that I’m still under probation period, when I’m not even desperate for the pay. I don’t even know why I am carrying myself like this from day to day. At night when I drive home alone, playing those indie music at volumes way too loud for indie music, I feel like I’m not even here. Where am I anyway?

Snow, Christmas and everything festive

I am in a nation where a huge percentage of people take pride in the things they have, not the things they do. Or maybe things like how their car is bigger than the other cars, or how they look better and how they can afford coffee that’s cheap abroad but expensive here. People want to provide their family with all the things they want, paying a price with their health or lives at times. The other day I was driving slowly on the expressway, and I saw the aftermath of an accident. I did not know what happen, but all I saw was a man lying face down, flat on the road. His bike down on the road as well, and there were people trying to help him. This is the guy trying to get through traffic faster by riding a two wheeled machine, so perhaps he could have more time for his family. Or maybe he just couldn’t afford to have a safer mode of transport. What happens next? He misses work, perhaps will miss his pay for that day and following days too. And, he has to work harder for the money he missed. Of course these might not have happened, but with better city planning, comprehensive public transport system, and/or better wage system, things like these can be avoided. Yes I do sound like those sample essays from doreme tuition, but when everyone goes to work in the same area, you are going to have congestion since we aint got no public transport system, not even a sucky one.

Watkins Glen State Park, NY

Some days I get home after 11 at night, after hours of travelling and all. I do not hate travelling and working with people professionally, I just didn’t understand why am I even working so hard for, again, lost. Perhaps if I have to provide for my family then I’d know. And to touch on pleasing people, I am totally fine with pleasing potential and existing customers, it’s just coworkers that I can’t seem to get along with. They are all very nice people don’t get me wrong, and this is definitely on me but most of the time I just can’t make them see what I’ve seen. I’ve never talked about my past at all because they were all satisfied with knowing where the best fried rice is and where to get cheap durians. So getting along became pleasing them eventually since I have to think like them.  These might one day shape me into someone happily living this same area, which isn’t bad actually. But I don’t know. Maybe I just like to be torn and not be in a place entirely.

On this day three years ago I would have never thought about all these. I guess this is how it goes for someone who isn’t that free-willed enough. Not shutting doors at the right time allowed changes, but he still doesn’t have the balls to just go with the flow, living miserably wanting to. Ah.

Note: Of course I’m not the only one who feels and thinks like this, but how many of us will go through life and still make it out at the end?